Nice smell. Nice taste. Nice beer. Great sessional beer. However, not as good as off tap.

Geoff: “Oh f--. F--, f---, f---, f---.”
Just beyond the Pale. Smells like rotting loquats.

Relatively benign. Definitely not the product of a schonbrauhaus. The product of a scheisenbrauhaus? It a real nowhere beer.

Interestingly, this beer is said to contain no additives or ingredients, just water malt and hops. This is probably why it tastes so good. Golden.
FOOTNOTE: We subsequently discovered that this beer is brewed by a company owned by Heineken.

Not as bad as we had expected. An OK taste, albeit with a bit of a dirty finish. Oliver likened the nose to weed killer. Claims to be “naturally brewed, no preservatives”. May even be. A cricket beer.

What a strange coincidence - Cooper's Pale Ale is also 4.5% with a green label. But spookier still is the conincidence that Cooper's Sparkling Ale has a red label and is 5.8%, just like Geelong Sparkling Ale.
This beer doesn't smell very nice. Geoff: “I reckon if you drank a six-pack of these then you'd wake up pretty sick in the morning.”

A very ordinary beer. Smells exactly like Victoria Bitter; tastes somewhat worse.

A pretty shit beer.

A sweet smelling beer. Pale and blonde. Clingy head. Nicely balanced - sweet and very bitter. Classic pilsner aroma.

A rubbish beer. Crap. Terrible. Tastes like the soapy mid-strength beers you get in squishy plastic cups at the MCG.
Geoff: “Complete this sentence: ‘If this is a pilsner then …’ ” Oliver: “…I'm the Pope.”

Not a bad beer. Light golden color with a head that clings to the glass. Pleasant honey nose and taste. The best description is “nice”.

Terrible. Could we drink more than one? No. Could we finish the beer that we've been given? No. Does the taste and smell make us feel sick? Yes. Offensive and disgusting.

A shame that the lowest possible rating is 1.

Typical wheat beer bubble-gum aroma and taste. Not bad for a wheat beer, but not up to comparison with its German counterparts such as Schofferhofer Hefeweizen and Schofferhofer Kristall.

A fine lager and an excellent sessional beer. A lovely bouquet, light blonde colour and a long, caramel finish.

Tastes like cat's piss. Experience tells us this is a hangover in a bottle. And it's not even an ale (it's brewed with a lager yeast). How bad can it get?

A bit of a dirty lager but a pretty easy-to-drink dirty lager. Very pale, with a clingy head. Smells like beer. Has no hoppy or malty aroma, though.

Geoff: “Oh, God, that smells disgusting. I don't know if I can drink it. It makes me want to spew. It's like I've had sour yoghurt or something. You know how I love beer? Taste that and tell me how I can love that. I don't know what it is but it sure as hell isn't beer.”
Smells disgusting and tastes even worse. The rating is based on the fact that we were not even sure it is beer. It went into the garden (we weren't sorry at all) and we rinsed the glasses to remove all traces of it from our drinking vessels.
Makes Bud taste nice. Oh, the horror.
Geoff's final word, made after taking a sip: “Oh, f--- me.”

FOOTNOTE: Rumors persist that this beer is exactly the same as Foster's (due to the fact that before the 2000 Sydney Olympics CUB decided that overseas visitors to Australia would be shocked to find that the Foster's they know and love is nothing like the Australian version and so put Crown Lager in Foster's bottles) or that it's the same recipe as Foster's but lagered for a little longer before release (due to the fact that so little Foster's is sold in Australia that it's not worth running a separate line with a different recipe).

This beer, unlike many that call themselves a pilsner, actually tastes like a Bohemian Pilsner should taste. The aroma is like a pilsner: bitter and floral. The label says: “True Pilsner style beer.” So we figured it must be a pilsner.
While this is called a “Pilzner” on the front of the label, the back says it's a “true Pilsen style beer”. This annoyed us so much that we were tempted to deduct points from our rating.

Dirtier than its southern Tasmanian counterpart Cascade Premium. Up against Foster's in a blind tasting you'd be hard pushed. Really doesn't have much going for it and should be called “Boagans”.

Nice in the same way that Olivia Newton John in Grease was nice.