Beer troubleshooting matrix

If you're out for a beer and something seems odd, consult this helpful guide to find the cause and remedy.

Feet cold and wet Glass being held at incorrect angle Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling
Feet warm and wet Improper bladder control Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless Glass empty Get someone to buy you another beer
You're drinking Budweiser Get someone to buy you a real beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You've fallen over backwards Have yourself leashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of shirt wet Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to toilet, practice in mirror
Floor blurred You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another pub
Room seems unusually dark Pub has closed Confirm home address with barman
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth
Everybody looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Beer is crystal clear It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up Have words with them
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognise anyone or recognise the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
You don't remember the words to a song The beer is just right Play air guitar
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