The beer scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a night of drinking and thought, "How on earth did I get home?" Try as you may, you cannot piece together your journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunks by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large fleet of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works thus: The passenger reaches a certain level of intoxication and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits him or her (although usually him) in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the cash in the passenger's pocket is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out: “How did I spend so much money?”

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for more than 90 per cent of all UDIs (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost and unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out: "What the hell happened?" With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, which automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately, one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained during future discussions.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction, thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with terrible consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (patent pending). These boots are designed so that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

The final feature of the Beer Scooter is an on-board heater, which allows you to get home from the pub comfortably in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.


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