Thanks doc, I am much the same re: lactose/sweetener; because I just don't think it is right except for milk stout.
You and the sodium met on the other hand... you remind me of an old industrial chemist I used to maintain gardens for in my high school days. There was a scientific reason for everything he did, however dubious it seemed. I gather that the sodium met evaporates itself off as a gas of some sort.
How about trying for a perfect underpitching rate, so that the yeast tires? OR will a yeast never tire of simple sugars?
Maybe Stevia rebaudiana Bertoni? - although I imagine it might have a similar taste sensation to saccharine/phenylketonurics to it, I don't know how to describe this other than slippery and cold and unpleasant for me.