Jokes anyone???
A young lady decided to join a convent. She was required to take a vow of silence, but was allowed to speak one sentence a year to the Mother Superior.
At the end of year one she told the Mother Superior: 'The food's lousy'.
At the end of year two she said: 'The company here is boring".
At the end of year three she said: 'I'm leaving'.
The Mother Superior replied: 'I'm not surprised, all you've done since you've been here is bitch, bitch, bitch...
At the end of year one she told the Mother Superior: 'The food's lousy'.
At the end of year two she said: 'The company here is boring".
At the end of year three she said: 'I'm leaving'.
The Mother Superior replied: 'I'm not surprised, all you've done since you've been here is bitch, bitch, bitch...
Read this one the other day, an oldie but a goodie.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!
Scottish Sympathy.
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being
more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert
in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the
audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a
child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd,
pierces the quiet ............."Well, stop foockin' doin' it then !!"
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being
more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert
in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the
audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a
child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd,
pierces the quiet ............."Well, stop foockin' doin' it then !!"
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Give me a flying headbutt.......
-
Dogger Dan
- Posts: 3168
- Joined: Thursday Aug 26, 2004 10:43 am
- Location: Lucan, Ontario, Canada
I've got some old ones to share, but hopefully some of you haven't heard them.
Two policemen on their beat walk up to each other and start a conversation. Both are watching a man from about a block away. One cop says to the other, "Is that guy pissed?"
"<i>Is he pissed?</i>" laughs the other. "He put a penny in the patrol box on Fourth Street, looked up at the clock on the Presbyterian Church, and exclaimed, "Gawd, I've lost 32 kilograms."
Two policemen on their beat walk up to each other and start a conversation. Both are watching a man from about a block away. One cop says to the other, "Is that guy pissed?"
"<i>Is he pissed?</i>" laughs the other. "He put a penny in the patrol box on Fourth Street, looked up at the clock on the Presbyterian Church, and exclaimed, "Gawd, I've lost 32 kilograms."
KIP = Knowledge Is Power
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
A certain bar in the downtown area of a big city is situated on a street corner and has three entrances. A man walks into the bar and has some drinks. Sooner or later, he's had too much to drink and the bartender asks him to leave. The man walks outside and chances upon another entrance to the bar. He goes up to the bar, gives the bartender a confused look, and orders a drink. After two drinks, the bartender asks him to leave. The man stumbles around the corner and finds the third entrance. He wobbles up to the bar, looks at the bartender with astonishment, and bellows with a slurred voice, "Do you own all the bars in town?"
KIP = Knowledge Is Power
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
Not a joke, but a true story. I formerly worked with a lady named Roberta, whom we all called Robbie. Robbie was brutally murdered in 1984 (but that's another story for another day). She was a lot of fun and full of life, and I miss her. Anyway, as the story goes, Robbie had had a little bit to drink, and she went into a Seven-Eleven store. She went up to the clerk, intending to ask for some Virginia Slims cigarettes and a Dr. Pepper, but what came out of her mouth was, "I'll have a pack of Vagina Slimes and a Dr. Pecker." She swore up and down that it was unintentional. RIP, Robbie girl.
KIP = Knowledge Is Power
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
A small company was facing a decline in business and was forced to downsize. The employees had worked together for years and were almost like family, so having to give someone the axe was a very unsettling proposition for the boss. Yet, he had no choice, so he braced himself for the task.
He tossed and turned all night, his mind burdened with the tough decision. He decided that to be completely fair, he would decide at random between the two least-tenured employees, Jack and Jill, who happened to be brother and sister and had been hired at the same time. Both were good workers, and he could not find any work-related reason to let either one go. He made up his mind that whichever one, Jack or Jill, he saw first at the water cooler that next morning would be let go.
As it turned out, when the boss got to the office that morning, Jill was pouring herself a drink from the water cooler. He walked up to Jill sadly and said, "I've been wondering whether I should lay you or Jack off."
Jill turned to him and snapped, "You'll just have to jack off, then, because I've got a headache."
He tossed and turned all night, his mind burdened with the tough decision. He decided that to be completely fair, he would decide at random between the two least-tenured employees, Jack and Jill, who happened to be brother and sister and had been hired at the same time. Both were good workers, and he could not find any work-related reason to let either one go. He made up his mind that whichever one, Jack or Jill, he saw first at the water cooler that next morning would be let go.
As it turned out, when the boss got to the office that morning, Jill was pouring herself a drink from the water cooler. He walked up to Jill sadly and said, "I've been wondering whether I should lay you or Jack off."
Jill turned to him and snapped, "You'll just have to jack off, then, because I've got a headache."
KIP = Knowledge Is Power
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
A middle-aged Kiwi woman goes to the doctor. Meanwhile, her husband waits in the waiting room. After 20 minutes, the doctor summons the husband into a room and speaks to him in private.
"Your wife is suffering from a lack of TLC," says the doc. "She needs to have sex three times a week."
There is a brief silence, and the doctor notices some hesitancy in the man's face. "Is that going to be a problem?" he asks the man.
"Yes," says the man. "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday she'll have to catch the bus."
"Your wife is suffering from a lack of TLC," says the doc. "She needs to have sex three times a week."
There is a brief silence, and the doctor notices some hesitancy in the man's face. "Is that going to be a problem?" he asks the man.
"Yes," says the man. "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday she'll have to catch the bus."
KIP = Knowledge Is Power
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
In keeping with the international theme:KIP wrote:Spills, that's honestly one of the funniest posts I have read on this site, and there are quite a few funny ones.SpillsMostOfIt wrote:On a trip to the USofA a couple of years ago, an Irishman (who lives in Bermuda) introduced me to Amstel Light. Nothing like Amstel and the best beer we could find in NYC.
Think about it for a minute...an Irishman who lives in Bermuda introduced an Australian to a Dutch beer while visiting the USA...boggles the mind!
Heaven is a place where the cooks are French, the cops are English, the lovers are Italian, and the Germans run everything.
Hell is a place where the cooks are English, the cops are French, the lovers are German, and the Italians run everything.
Cheers,
John
KIP = Knowledge Is Power
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
"Maybe we'll leave come springtime/Meanwhile, have another beer/What would we do without these jerks anyway/Besides, all our friends are here." -- Don Henley, Sunset Grill
Two Indians (Not american Indians) had to go to a fancy dress party.
The theme was to go as an "Emotion".
Well, these guys thought about it for 2 weeks and had finally decided on their emotions.
They knocked on the door and the host could not believe her eyes...
The first Indian was standing there naked with his Old fella in a bowl of custard and the second one had his old fella in a pear.
The woman was shocked, "What the hell are you supposed to be !!!" she yelled.
(Cue Indian accent)
The first one said "I'm fu*%ing dis custard"
The woman could not stop laughing, and said to the second, and what emotion are you.......
The second fella replied "I'm in dis pear"
The theme was to go as an "Emotion".
Well, these guys thought about it for 2 weeks and had finally decided on their emotions.
They knocked on the door and the host could not believe her eyes...
The first Indian was standing there naked with his Old fella in a bowl of custard and the second one had his old fella in a pear.
The woman was shocked, "What the hell are you supposed to be !!!" she yelled.
(Cue Indian accent)
The first one said "I'm fu*%ing dis custard"
The woman could not stop laughing, and said to the second, and what emotion are you.......
The second fella replied "I'm in dis pear"
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Give me a flying headbutt.......
What's a Hindu??KIP wrote:A middle-aged Kiwi woman goes to the doctor. Meanwhile, her husband waits in the waiting room. After 20 minutes, the doctor summons the husband into a room and speaks to him in private.
"Your wife is suffering from a lack of TLC," says the doc. "She needs to have sex three times a week."
There is a brief silence, and the doctor notices some hesitancy in the man's face. "Is that going to be a problem?" he asks the man.
"Yes," says the man. "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday she'll have to catch the bus."
Lay's eggs, ay
Keep it reel 
A ventriloquists is walking down a country lane on the south island of N'z and spots a farmer sitting with his animals. He decides to 'ave laugh, so 'e goes up to tha farmer and say's, mind if speak to animals.
The farmer thinks about it for a mom, then, as if struck by lightning, remembers, "animals don't talk ya dumb c---". The ventriloquist persuades him, and the farmer finally gives in, "al'righ, if ya must"
adding somthing like *yous f---ing dumb c---* under 'is breath.
so the ventriloquist goes to the dog, "G'day, how's ya master treat ya?"
"Yeah, he treat me alrigh, don't beat we I chase a poodle, feed me well, yeah he's alrigh"
The farmer is speechless. The ventriloquist goes to the horse,
"How's your master treat YOU?"
"No too shabby, ya no? He ride me, let me at the mares in spring. What more you want?"
By now the farmers astonashed, partly coz he's just relised his dog spoke. The ventriloquist asks, "Can I talk to ya sheep?" To which the farmer fearfully replies, "don't believe a damn word the basted tells ya"
The farmer thinks about it for a mom, then, as if struck by lightning, remembers, "animals don't talk ya dumb c---". The ventriloquist persuades him, and the farmer finally gives in, "al'righ, if ya must"
adding somthing like *yous f---ing dumb c---* under 'is breath.
so the ventriloquist goes to the dog, "G'day, how's ya master treat ya?"
"Yeah, he treat me alrigh, don't beat we I chase a poodle, feed me well, yeah he's alrigh"
The farmer is speechless. The ventriloquist goes to the horse,
"How's your master treat YOU?"
"No too shabby, ya no? He ride me, let me at the mares in spring. What more you want?"
By now the farmers astonashed, partly coz he's just relised his dog spoke. The ventriloquist asks, "Can I talk to ya sheep?" To which the farmer fearfully replies, "don't believe a damn word the basted tells ya"
Keep it reel
A. Her Story
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought that we would go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny . I tried to cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway - in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. This really worries me.
We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to day that it's all over between us.
Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him - but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.
B. His Story
Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought that we would go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny . I tried to cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway - in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. This really worries me.
We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to day that it's all over between us.
Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him - but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.
B. His Story
Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.