Jokes anyone???

[Chris]

A passenger in an Irish taxi leaned over to ask the driver,

Paddy, a question and tapped him on the shoulder.



Paddy screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,

drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate

glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,

and then the still shaking driver said,

'I'm sorry but you scared da liven daylights out a me.'



The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said

she didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder

would frighten him so much.



Paddy replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driven' a cab.

I've been drivin' a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Chris]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
Waitress asks for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a
Coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,'
Says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be
£9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
Out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
Hamburger, fries, and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For almost a week this becomes routine until the two enter again in the following
Week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a
Salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the
Waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £32.62.' Once again
The man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the
Table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
Pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
Wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
Would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
Always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a
Couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as
You want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich' ?

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird
With a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Biernut]

A man walks into a library in Glasgow Scotland and spies a sweet young thing behind the counter. He walks up to her and says I am a lonely old mon and I am looking for a book on suicide, would ye have such a book lass. The girl looks at him for a moment over her glasses, then said, Get away with ye mon ye would noo bring it back.

[longbody]

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to about 100,000 people at La Plaza de la Revolución, when he is suddenly distracted by a pregonero below the speaker’s podium, selling his wares, as he chants ¡Coco y Piña! (coconuts and pineapples).

Slightly miffed, Dr. Castro continues, when again, his attention is distracted by the pregonero’s chant of ¡Coco y Piña!

Visibly upset, El Comandante gives a hard look around, but not seeing the errant soul, continues his speech. However, after a short while, he is again interrupted by the chant ¡Coco y Piña!

Enraged by this final affront to his authority, El Presidente exclaims, "Bring me up the miserable so and so who continues to sabotage my speech, because I’m going to give him such a kick in the ‘culo’, that he’ll be sent flying from here to Miami"

to which about 100,000 people, in unison shout ¡Coco y Piña!

Fidel continues giving his speech, now talking about consumer shortages, and promising Cubans they will be getting much needed clothing.

"Soon there will be shoes for everyone in the stores", says El Comandante, at which a dirty, ragged old crone in the front row lifts up her leg, and points the dilapidated shoe on her foot to the speaker, saying, "Look Fidel,"...
Dr. Castro looks, shudders, turns white and looks rapidly away.

"And panties" he shouts "Soon there will be panties for everyone as well!"

Undetered, El Comandante continues giving his tired old speech at the Revolution Square and says: "Comrades, God willing, this year we will have enough eggs for all the Cuban people!" At which point his brother Raúl leans over and says to him: "But Fidel, we are Communists, and as such, believe there is no God." To which Fidel responds in a whisper, "Don't worry. There are no eggs either."







Recently Fidel, in his chauffered limo, got lost in the countryside, and distracted by looking for a landmark, the driver ran over and killed a pig. Castro insisted that the driver walk up to the peasant's home and inform him of the mishap.

After about three hours, the "chofe" returns, clothing rumpled, hair a mess, with a Cohiba in one hand, and a bottle of rum in the other.

"Where in carajo have you been for the past three hours?" yelled Fidel.

"I was in the campesino's bohio, where he gave me this beautiful cigar, his wife gave me the 15 year old rum, and his nineteen-year-old daughter made passionate love to me", answered the driver.

"¡Coño! What was that all about?" inquired El Comandante.

"Well", said the driver, "I just went up to the door, said that I was Fidel Castro's driver, and that I had just killed the pig!"

[longbody]

Once upon a time, France and England were at war. One day, the French soldiers captured an English general. They took the English general to the French general. The French general said to the English general "Why do you English generals wear those red jackets ? Surely you understand it makes you easy targets for us?" The English general replied "We wear the red jackets because they do not show blood. If I am wounded, the bloodstains will not show on the jacket, my men will not see them, they will not know I have been wounded, and they will not be afraid and run away"
The French general was astounded by the beauty of this logic. He told the other French generals. They also thought the reasoning was impeccable. And that is the reason why, to this day, all French generals wear brown trousers.

[longbody]

Osama decided to send George W. a letter to let him know he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he shared it with Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the CIA. No one could decode it so it went to the NSA-- and then to MIT, NASA, the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."


An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on Board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA asketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the Former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated Woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world Politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a Ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

[Boonie]

Written by an old person....not me

What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[warra48]

Written by an old person....not me

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

By the way, retirement is bliss...more time for beer.......and golf.......and eerrr aaahhh darn, I can't remember.

[Boonie]

Brokeback Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy shared the room with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

'Good morning,' he said.

The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake.

They asked, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass, and kissed him good night...

Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

[longbody]

One nun says to the other nun "Where's the candle?"
"Yeah" says the other nun, "sure does"

[Biernut]

Written by an old person....not me

What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Geez Boonie I am retired and working harder than when I was in a job. Come to think of it if I didn't have so much to do I would go back to work for a rest.

[gregb]

I've split out the Coopers beer kit review to its own thread in Making Beer. Click here.

Cheers,
Greg

[longbody]

Once upon a time there was a tribe of indians where the big chief had the job of choosing names for each child born into the tribe.

One day one of the braves went up to the chief and asked him "Tell me great chief, how do you decide what name to call each child ?"

The wise old chief replied "I lift up my eyes and gaze upon the world. What I see tells me what the child is to be called. For instance, if I see clouds flying scross the sky, I know the great spirit wishes the child to be called Clouds Fly In The Sky. On the other hand, if I see leaves blowing in the wind, it is plain the child is rightly called Leaves Blow In The Wind. And so it goes. I hope that answers your question, Two Dogs f---ing."

[longbody]

So there were these two cows standing in the paddock having a chat, and one cow says to the other cow "Well, what do you think about this mad cow disease, then?"

The other cow answers "I wouldn't know anything about mad cows, mate, I'm a helicopter"

[longbody]

The oldest joke I know.

When a woman puts her hand out a car window, you know she's either turning right, turning left, stopping, scratching her fingers or ashing her cigarette.



Some things never change.

[Biernut]

There is a large Post Office built along side a sacred site in Israel. This Post Office receives quite a number of letters addressed to God. Because they can't be sent on the staff open them and read them often to relieve the boredom of sorting mail. They usually touch on many topics but one of them really touched their hearts and went like this.
Dear God;

I am a simple and compassionate man who has toiled in the field for most of my time and I am in the twilight years of my life and never asked for anything to better my frugal life, as I am from a long line of proud Hebrew ancestry. However I am in rather awkward financial position which requires a tiding of 5000 shekels (around 1200 dollars) and I humbly ask you if you could grant me this sum to alleviate my embarrasing situation.

Yours faithfully,

Ibram Elior


So the staff of the Post Office feeling sorry for the old man took up a collection and came up with up with a tidy sum of 4300 shekels which duly found its way to the old fellow.

Nothing more was heard from the the old man until a month later when another letter from him turned up, and went like this.

Dear God'


I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind response in granting this old man his wish. Your generosity has bought happiness to my otherwise dreary life and I am forever in your debt. However could I offer some advice if I may. Please do not send money in the post as those thieving bastards in the Post Office robbed me of 700 shekels.


Your faithfull servant

Ibram Elior

[matr]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!


Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

[longbody]

Are Computers Male or Female?


A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

[billybushcook]

Not sure if this has been posted already, havn't had time to go through e'm all>


Lost at Sea
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to p**s in the boat!"


Mick.

[longbody]

Northern Territory Etiquette Handbook


GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movies ended..
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. Trackie pants with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the guns loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.