Jokes anyone???

[Tipsy]

5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

Bullshit, you know nuthin bout Eddy's cat.

[bigpots]

Anyone got the swine flu?

Just spend a night in a smokey room and you will be cured but you will still come out in rashers.

[goq11k_76]

A battery, a car starter motor and a bra go into a pub.

The bra goes up to the publican and asks for 3 beers.

The publican refuses, "why"? asks the bra, publican replies, "well; your off ya tits, and they look like they look like they want to start something"!

its the best I got at this time of the morning.

[lethaldog]

I met this chick online who is hot as and things got off to a very steamy start,

Now she is telling me that she is an under cover coppa, Not bad for a 14 year old hey

[warra48]

Question:

Would you rather walk in on your parents, or have them walk in on you?

PS: Mods: Should we run a poll on this one?

[bigpots]

The old man walked in on me once,just glad I dident get the : You'r doin it wrong here I'll show ya

But isn't the burning question of the week:

Will kevin rudd be attending the denni ute muster this year?
I'd love to see him signing off in the free ute while slurping a can of bundy!

[longbody]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? ........What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[rotten]

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

[SuperBroo]

I went to this new nice looking female doctor yesterday for a checkup,

she said 'you have to stop masturbating'

i asked why,

'because i'm trying to examine you' !!!

[longbody]

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Dashboard suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[warra48]

I helped a lady get rid of a stalker today.

How?

I stopped following her.

[rotten]

The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem....Those dingos ain't f****n' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

[emnpaul]

My daughter told me this one so appologies in advance...

What do you call a dugong eating a chocolate bar?

Manatee on the Bounty.

[milliner1986]

2 dole bludgers dale and wazza wanted to get on the piss but it was the day before pay day so they only had 2 bucks between them.
Dale says Ï've got a trick so we can drink all night
Wazza looks at him puzzled and says hows that?
Dale grabs the 2 bucks and goes into woolies and come out with a kransky
How we gonna get on it now you spent our last 2 bucks on a friggen sausage? says wazza
Dale says what we do is when we walk into the pub I'll order 2 beers and before the bartender asks for the money ill pull out the kransky and you pretend to suck me off.
So they go in dale orders 2 VB's, the publican pours them and sits them on the bar. Dale pulls out the kransky and holds it between his legs and wazza starts sucking.
You cant do that in here ya filthy poofs! The publican says. Finish ya beers and piss off outta here.
they sculled their beers and walked out.
That worked alright wazza said so off they go to the next pub.
They repeated the process sculling their beers before being kicked out of the pub.
By the 9th pub wazza says mate im pretty pissed i think we've had enough beers but i tell ya what I'm pretty hungry hows about we go halves in that kransky.
Dale says mate i already ate it 5 pubs ago

[milliner1986]

Paddy walks into micks barn and sees paddy naked and running his hands all over his body in a provocative way in front of his tractor.
Whaddya doin mick says paddy
Mick says well me and the lady having been doin too well in the bedroom and the sex therapist said I need to do something sexy to attract her.

[Oliver]

What follows is possible the worst joke I have ever heard. A bloke at my bowls club was running around telling it the other day like it was the best joke he'd ever heard. Don't say I didn't warn you ...

Q: Two baked beans are driving up the Hume Highway. Where are they going?
A: Cairns.

[Tipsy]

What follows is possible the worst joke I have ever heard. A bloke at my bowls club was running around telling it the other day like it was the best joke he'd ever heard. Don't say I didn't warn you ...

Q: Two baked beans are driving up the Hume Highway. Where are they going?
A: Cairns.

I've reported you to the mods

[Oliver]

What follows is possible the worst joke I have ever heard. A bloke at my bowls club was running around telling it the other day like it was the best joke he'd ever heard. Don't say I didn't warn you ...

Q: Two baked beans are driving up the Hume Highway. Where are they going?
A: Cairns.

I've reported you to the mods

Fair call. I am about to ban myself

[milliner1986]

I have a worse one it was told to me by my nan god rest her soul when I was a kid i can't remember exactly how it went but something like this.

There was a competition where everyone had to send in their best jokes. A man sent in 10 pun jokes thinking that one would win but no pun in ten did.

Please don't ban me it was my nans joke

[milliner1986]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.