Jokes anyone???

[Lord Azrael]

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have A Tooheys New."

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"

The General Manager of XXXX proudly says "I'll have a XXXX Gold, the King of Beers!"

The bloke from Carlton says "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet"

The General Manager from Coopers glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[goq11k_76]

a car battery and a starter motor, and a bra walk into the pub

the battery and starter motor sit down in the corner

the bra goes to bar and orders a couple of beers

the barman goes "I cant serve you guys, sorry mate"

the bra replies "well why not"

barman replies "well your off your tits and they look like are going to start something"

best i could do at short notice

[rwh]

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

[111222333]

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

... wheres me tractor

[Eureka]

Irish pub joke.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

[lethaldog]

Tasmanian man takes his daughter to the docs to have her put on the pill...

Doc says is she sexually active??

Bloke says nah doc she just lies there like her friggin mother!

Sorry poor taste but i thought it was funny

[Boonie]

Ok, bit long...but will shorten

Guy gets a new job with Pauls Ice Cream as a Sales Rep/ Researcher.
His Mission, find new flavour Ice Creams
Goes all around the country and is struggling.....sees the normal Choc Chip Banana etc...
Boss gets on the phone, man, I am paying you six figures and you cant find a new one.

So he heads inland and pulls up at Broken Hill
Walks in and finds one called Fanny Flavour.
Looks at the bloke and says mate, is that right, fanny flavoured Ice Cream
Yep says the local.

So the Sales Rep orders a tub and a double scoop to go.

On the way out he's on the mobile to the boss explaining his find, the boss is pumped...."What is is like????"

Sales Rep says hang on I'll take a big lick..

Boss says whats it like.

Mate it tastes like shit..........Hang on I'll take another lick........Still tastes likes shit

So he storms back in and says "Mate, this Fanny flavoured Ice Cream Tastes like shit"

Local says "You took too big of a lick, didn't ya"

[lethaldog]

Nice one boonie

Guy walks into his and his wifes bedroom where is wife is lying in bed..

His wife looks at him strange because he has a sheep under his arm...

Hubby says " This is the pig ive been shagging when you have been too tired"

Wife says " ahh der hubby thats a sheep"

Hubby says " i was not friggin talking to you"

[111222333]

a lecturer is the guy who talks in some one elses sleep

[Oliver]

These are (allegedly) comments from AFL commentator Denis Cometti.

If you've ever heard him commentate, you can probably believe that he did, in fact, say all of the following.

Oliver

"The umpire's done himself a mischief."

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his arms like they're playing My Sharona."

"Ugle playing on Peter Matera, fumbling around for the ball and probably his autograph book ... "

"A couple of big touches from Clive Waterhouse, who was battling up
until about five minutes ago, in danger of becoming Clive Waterboy."

Dermott Brereton: "And the ball spills free to Kickett ... "
Cometti: "Troy Cook you mean?"
Brereton: "Yes ... well, they do look rather alike."
Cometti: "How so Dermott?"
Brereton (realising that sounded rather racist): "Umm, well, they are
both ... er ... "
Cometti: " ... Midfielders, yes Dermott."

After the McManus/Wirrpunda clash a few Western Derbies back. "Shaun goes back to collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth."

During a Melbourne-Collingwood game
Gerard Healy: "Word is this guy is the most reliable kick for goal in the side. They say down at Collingwood if you had to have someone kicking for your life, Tarkyn Lockyer would be the man."
Commetti: "I'd prefer my mum."
(silence)
Commetti: "Not a great footballer, but at least she'd care."

"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray ... capable of a subtle hold."

"Barlow to Bateman, the Hawks are attacking alphabetically."

"Simon Cox,he prides himself on his disposal."
Cox then short passes to a teammate 15 metres away.
"Well, I could have done that."

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their
luck, they'd probably miss."

"Carl Steinfort looking more like Robert Walls than Robert Walls."

"Bell bringing the ball out of the back line ... looking for wide runners ... passes to Walker ... a contradiction in terms, really."

"The goal square's full of Bears, looks like we've got ourselves a
convoy."

Commetti: "McVeigh, bobbing like a cork in the ocean."
(On-cue applause from all in the Nine box, as it was the debut "cork in the
ocean" call for the season]
Commetti: "Well, it was cork material."

"The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a
haircut."

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf ... hmmm, a farmer with a calf
problem."

"Parker to Carr ... sounds like a match made in heaven."

After Matthew Lloyd gives one of the Wakelin twins a little slap on Anzac Day: "Whoa! There will be a duel at 5 oclock."

Cometti: "Dear shoots? Wait on the goal umpire? Behind. A wry smile there from the goal umpire, certainly a sense of the dramatic."
Don Scott: "He's the danger man, Dennis."
Cometti: "Who? The goal umpire?"
Don: "No, Dear. Paul Dear."
Cometti: "Brennan kicks out to the outer side, straight to Paul Dear.
You're uncanny, Don."

Cometti: "King to Ling."
Brereton: "Just forward of the wing."
Cometti: "Don't you start."

"It's a goal! A dream start for Hawthorn. Spider had both his legs taken
out from under him, leaving only the other six to balance on ... "

Stewart Dew kicks for goal early in the first: "He was brought here to do exactly that ... (pause) ... actually five more than that; he kicks a behind."

Cometti: "Whhhhoa CUMMINGS!!! No, it was almost a Modra-like attempt we can see here in the replay."
(Cummings flies into the air in slow motion.)
Cometti: "Modra, Modra, Modra ... "
(Cummings gets nowhere near the ball, looking like a clown)
Cometti: "Cummings."

On former Magpie, Crow and then Cat Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better as a mammal."

On Corey McKernan's poor form: "He's like a long jumper who can't reach the sand."

"I love that surname Fixter. Sounds like something from a Batman movie - The Fixter. But I digress ... "

"There's talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it wasn't bad enough being in 15th position."

Richmond, kicking up the middle towards Ray Hall: "Richmond attack through the corridor in this case the Hall."

"Brown ... down to Jones ... all we need now is Smith."

Tony Liberatore had just gone into a pack as he is wont to do and come out with blood gushing from his eye: "Libba went into the pack optimistically and came out misty optically."

Ball sails just over the line for a goal.
Cometti: "That was absolutely wonderful!"
Jason Bennett: "What was it Dennis?" (Obviously playing for the centimetre-perfect line.)
Cometti: "Wonderful! Oh, I missed my cue."

During a Freo/Pies game describing the dropping of the second of two easy marks: "The Tale of Two Sitters."

When Mark Mercuri went up for a mark: "And the Mercuri is rising."

Brereton: "Why do you suppose he went side on to take the mark?"
Cometti: "He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge."

"Richardson contests the ruck ... without much conviction. Well, he may be the best player on their list ... well, certainly Matthew thinks he's the best player on their list at the moment ... mind you, that's a bit like being the best Centre Half Forward in Czechoslovakia."

"Almost a touch of synchronised swimming about that mark ... minus the
peg."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich. Really Lamb
should be in the sandwich."

"If it was a set play, they copied it from a Portugese bus timetable."

"How do you beat Rehn? Where's Stimpy?"

Commetti: "Before this game, I would have bet the mortgage on the Western Bulldogs, but I guess this shows that I may join the ranks of the homeless."
As Kris Barlow has a shot on goal Lyon, Brereton and Commetti joke that Cometti would now be living out of a cardboard box.
Cometti: "Well you could bet your house ... Ohhh."
Barlow misses.
Lyon "You just lost your cardboard."

"Great stuff by Caracella - moments before McIntosh had treated him like
a rent-a-car."

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the unfriendly post."

"There is no footy god - only a footy accountant."

The ball is passed to David Hille of Essendon, with Rodan of Richmond trying to spoil.
"He gave it his best, but that is a big hill to climb."

[Ahutchy]

Husband and wife sitting around the dinner table during the evening meal.

Wife - Went to the doctor today for a check up and he says I am in perfect health and have the tits and arse of an eighteen year old.

Husband - Yeah! What'd he say about your forty year old cu#t?

Wife - He didn't mention you.

[Ahutchy]

A Northern Territory farm hand, radios back to his
boss,the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The
pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my ute
and is wriggling & squealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out
and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said
boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in he head and removed him
from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..

"Well Boss, its his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right front wheel arch...............You still there
boss?"

[Iron-Haggis]

Here are a bunch of bar jokes, probably heard most of them.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food"

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar... it hurt.

An Englishman, Welshman and Scotsman walk into a bar and the bartender goes "This is gotta be some kind of joke"

Three men walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have noticed.

A dog walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What would you like?" The dog goes "I'll have a..." is silent for a moment "beer thanks" The bartender replies "Why the long paws?"

[lethaldog]

A guy walks into a bar on his way through town and notices a jar of money on the counter, after ordering a beer the bloke pipes up and asks the barman " whats with the jar of dough"
The barman says " well mate you see that donkey out the front, if you can make him laugh then the jar is yours"
The guy says " whats the catch"
Barman says " thats it mate no catch"
so the bloke walks outside and whispers in the donkeys ear, imediately the donkey laughs hysterically, so he walks back inside, grabs the jar and heads off on his way through town...

On his way back through the same town he stops off at the same bar and orders a beer and as before there is a jar full of money on the bar...
He says to the barman " whats the jar for this time mate"
Barman says " well mate we changed the rules, you see that donkey out the front, well this time if you can make him cry then the jar is yours"

"ok" says the bloke on his way out the door, he is not outside for more than a few minutes when the donkey drops and cries like a baby..

The bloke walks back inside, grabs the jar of money and goes to head back out the door when the barman stops him...

The barman says " listen mate, how do you do it, the first time you made him laugh and this time you made him cry, Whats your secret"

The bloke says " well its pretty simple, the first time i came through i merely told him that my dick was bigger than his..........
This time i showed him"

[111222333]

Three birds are out on the town, catching up, and to their dismay, all of their new boyfriends are named Leroy. To prevent confusion, they decide to give them nicknames of softdrinks. The first thinks about it a while, and says "7UP". The other two a are baffled, so she explains, "He's got seven inches and it's always up".

The second says "Mountain Dew", explaining that "He can Mountain Dew me any time"

The last says "Jack Daniels". The other two protest, saying it's not a soft drink - it's a hard liquor. "Thats my Leroy ...."

[Aussie Bob]

what do women and condoms have in common?
they both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

what do Kiwis and sperm have in common?
millions come out, but only one works

[r.magnay]

Why was the franger laying in the urinal?

He was pissed off!


Did you hear about the poofter robots?

They pulled each other to pieces!

or the poofter boxer..................got badly battered around the ring.

I know I know, they are as old as me, but someone may not have heard them before.

[Boonie]

How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the F*ck out of it

[Noodles]

A man answers a knock at the back door and finds a snail at his doorstep.

The snail asks: "Can I borrow fifty bucks?"

The man replies: "Piss off" and proceeds to pick up the snail and throw him right to the back of his very large garden.

6 months later the man answers another knock at the back door and finds the same snail on his doorstep.

The snail asks: "What did you do that for?"

[lethaldog]

A woman was talking to a girlfriend telling her how much she has been dying for a root as its been a long time...
The friend says " i have someone in mind that i can set you up with and he is apparently very well endowed"
She says" ok set it up then"

so the next night the door bell rings and she goes out to find a guy at the door with no arms and says" may i help you sir"

The guy says "your friend sent me, im here to take you on a date"

She says "ahhh my friend didnt mention that you have no arms but said you were very well hung, Lets hope this is true"

He says " i rang the f%$#en doorbell didnt I!!!!!!!!!!"