Jokes anyone???

[tazcat]

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing we were late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.. Some people turned to stare; others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor, Father Roy, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags and carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"





I guess I won't be at church for awhile

[emnpaul]

I did see some toilet humour the other week on a condom vending machine in a public toilet in Hobart like this:-

(IF REFUND REQUIRED INSERT BABY) lol ....where do these characters come from

Don't know. But if you see someone actually attempting to insert a baby, it's a fair bet they're from Glenorchy.

What do they call Mountain Dew in Afghanistan?
Mountain infidel.
Why don't they drink it?
It's against Islam to mount an infidel.
Why don't they drink it in Australia?
It tastes like shit.

[tazcat]

Gagebrook would be my bet, Ok here's another

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon a s Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Please, please, please make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !"



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[emnpaul]

I think the worst thing about drink driving is pressing the unlock button on your remote five times and the house still won't f@#$&*g open.

[tazcat]

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A DRUNKS THEORY ON EVOLUTION

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks".

[emnpaul]

A zoo keeper gets dropped off at the emergency department having been raped by a bull elephant. After examining him the doctor asks, "Sir, there's something I don't understand, why is your rectum stretched to eleven inches when the diameter of an elephant's penis is only five and a half inches?"

Weeping, the zookeeper turned to the man "The dirty bastard fingered me first."

[tazcat]

[emnpaul]

I walked into this nightclub and here was this big fat chick dancing on a table. "Nice legs!" I said.

"You really think so?"

"Shit yeah. My table would have collapsed by now."



Elton John walked into the tattooist and said to the chap "I'd like a picture of a Rolls Royce on my Penis, please."

The tattooist replied "Shouldn't you make it a Land Rover with all the shit it's going to go through."

[tazcat]

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