Jokes anyone???

[ADHD Curmudgeon]

Q: What do people in the city say right before a crash?
A: F**K!!

Q: What do people in the country say right before a crash?
A: Here... Hold my VB and watch this for skill!

[Oliver]

Timely, considering England's capitulation in The Ashes. Apologies to any England cricket fans (are there any left?).

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason


Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.


Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.


Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An allrounder.


Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.


Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.


Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.


Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.


Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.


Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.


Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

[Boonie]

How did the New Zealander find the sheep in the long grass?

"Very enjoyable thankyou"

[lethaldog]

Why do Kiwis F%$K sheep at the edge of a cliff??

They push back harder

[ADHD Curmudgeon]

Q: Why do New Zealand race horses run so fast?
A: They've seen what happens to the sheep.

[Boonie]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[ADHD Curmudgeon]

My wife told me that we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit, then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.

I asked her why I had to give up luxuries and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for...

I don't think she's comming back.

[Timmsy]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice,
"Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor
scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with
his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with thisimpromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says
to him from the stage "OK smart arse.

You get up here and do it! The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you."

[Noodles]

What does a Collingwood supporter say when she's losing her virginity?

Get off Dad, you're squashing my smokes.

[Boonie]

Apologies straight up to Tasmanians....

A Tassie girl really wanted to go to the prom, so she asked her Mum

"Mum, Can I have 50 bucks for a prom dress ??"

Mum Says "Na, Ya have to ask your Dad, he's got all the money"

So she walks in to Dad sitting on the lounge,
"Dad, Can I have 50 bucks to buy a prom dress"

"Sure, darl, if you give me a head job....."

"Piss Off Dad, I'm not doin' that" she states

Dad replies "Well, you wont be gettin' that dress then, now will you"

She storms off to her room, really cheesed off as she wanted to charm this good lookin' fella at the dance. She ponders for a while and thinks, ah stuff it, I'll do it.

She wanders back in and says, "OK, dad I'll do it"

She's down there suckin' away, and she looks up at her Dad and says
"Dad, your dick tastes like shit"

He replies "Well your brother did want a lend of the car"

Boom, Boom

Sorry if that leaves a bad taste in your mouth

[Boonie]

No 2
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into a K-Mart store with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The K-Mart greeter, stationed at the store entrance says, "Good morning,
and welcome to K-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly, aggressive woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain stupid?

"No Ma'am, I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[lethaldog]

[SpillsMostOfIt]

No 2
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into a K-Mart store with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The K-Mart greeter, stationed at the store entrance says, "Good morning,
and welcome to K-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly, aggressive woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain stupid?

"No Ma'am, I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

That's not actually a joke. It is a true story. The woman is my sister.

[muddy]

Thanks to Spills for opening up on the sister jokes:

A man rings his boss and tells him he cant make it to work because he is sick.

The boss says "you dont sound very sick. How sick are you?"

Man replies - "Well I'm in bed with my sister"

[Timmsy]

West Coast Eagles in conjunction with their major sponsor Hungry Jacks, are proud to announce their new "Ben Cousins Meal Deal"

No burger or fries.

Just coke and ice.

[buscador]

The Drinking Challenge

Scansey walks into a pub called Pandoras and clears his voiceto the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you wankers are a bunchof hard
drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who
can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room isquiet
and no one takes up the Scansey's offer.

Suddenley Gonz leaves. Thirty minutes later Gonz shows back upand taps the
Scansey on the shoulder. "Is your
bet still good?", asks Gonz.

Scansey says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Gonz tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pandora's patrons cheer as the Scansey sits inamazement.

Scansey gives the Gonz the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind
me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you weregone?".

Gonz replies, "Well... I decided to go to the RSL down
the street to see if I could do it first".

[Timmsy]

Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

*************************************************************************

Stages of Drunkeness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

[Timmsy]

An extra ordinary newspaper advertisement saying "A life time opportunity for every single female, A MALE mall, where you can shop and choose you future husband" On the door of the mall, a sign saying: ''Terms and Rules''
1. Every woman has only one visit to the mall
2.The mall has 6 floors
3. Men are categorized from good to better as you go to the higher levels
4. A woman has a right to choose from any floor
5. A woman is only allowed to move upstairs
6. Women are only allowed to move down stairs for exit
7. No revisits are allowed to a lower floor once the woman reached the higher one
Our lady came to the Mall, hoping to find a good man to share her life with . She took the stairs up to the first floor to read a sign saying
First floor: Men with Careers, Curious she followed her way up to the second floor, reading the sign
Second floor: Men with career and adore children, Filled with excitement our lady continues to the next level
Third floor: Men with careers adore children and remarkably handsome, She couldn't help herself, its getting better and better, following her dream to the next floor where the sign said
Fourth floor: Men with careers adore children remarkably handsome and Help around the house, The future bride grew wings and flew with excitement to the next level searching for the sign saying
fifth floor: Men with careers adore children remarkably handsome help around the house and obey all the way, Her eyes grew wide, panting, her heart pounded off her chest only to find her soul racing her legs to the top floor to read the sign
Sixth floor, you are the visitor number 18284987. There are no men on this floor. This floor was added to the mall to prove that no matter what, women can not be satisfied, never settle with what in hand, always wishing for more, even if they don't need it!

[longbody]

Question: How does a French girl hold her liquor ?

Answer: By the ears.

[Andy T]

Not sure if that has been posted here before or not - Jet powered beer cooler. Except for it is not a joke - it's for real ( still pretty .. err .. cool ).