longbody wrote:Question: How does a French girl hold her liquor ?
Answer: By the ears.
What do you call a room full of lesbians? Liquorland
Andy T wrote
Not sure if that has been posted here before or not - Jet powered beer cooler. Except for it is not a joke - it's for real ( still pretty .. err .. cool ).
Mate you're right, that is the ....err......"coolest" invention ever.
Cheers
Boonie
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Little old lady goes to the docs and says i have a problem with gas, they dont smell or make any noise but i have probably farted 20 times since i have been here and i just cant help it..
Doc gives here some medication and says take this and come back in a week..
Old lady comes back and says, i dont no what you gave me but my farts still dont make any noise and im doing them just as much but now they smell terrible..
Doc says oh well now we have cleared your sinuses its time to work on your hearing
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
A leg of lamb, a jug of beer, and thou whislting in the darkness...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Maccas? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
I'm on fire today! (Actually, I'm just cleaning out my old emails.)
A unique opportunity has arisen to purchase some limited edition pieces from the ICC World Cup memorabilia collection. There will only be 500 of these released worldwide so be in quick.
Let us present the revised “South African Cricket - Why we (still) have never won the f**ing World Cup†collection:
2007 World Cup - Semi final against Australia 11 great pictures capture the blind optimism of South African cricket at the commencement of play, and the glorious self-destructive decline that we have come to love and expect from South Africa in the big tournaments. Starting with South African captain Graeme Smith smiling as he wins the toss on a perfect batting strip and electing to bat, this is followed by stills from all 10 South African dismissals for a paltry total of 149, their lowest ever total in World Cup history.
This series is called “We’re f***ed!†and will sell for $1500 + p&p.
2003 World Cup - This picture captures Mark Boucher in a splendid forward defensive stroke while Lance Klusener happily leans on his bat at the non-strikers end as the last ball of the 45th over of South Africa's innings against Sri Lanka is bowled. It captures perfectly the moment when the South African management had a brain melt and assured the batsmen that 229 was enough for victory, when they actually needed 230 to advance to the Super Six.
The picture is titled "Not a-f***ing-gain" and will sell at $1000 + p&p.
1999 World Cup - For an extra $500 you can also buy a copy of "Oh f*** it!", the re-issued picture from the 1999 World Cup capturing the sheer confusion of the moment when Allan Donald had a brain melt and forgot how to run.
Or, if you prefer you can have a copy of "Got him - Yes!...No!" depicting Herschelle Gibbs with his hands on his hips after putting down Steve Waugh during his famous 120. The first 20 orders received for this picture will also include a bonus enhanced DVD of the incident when Waugh can clearly be heard saying "How does it feel to drop the World Cup, mate?".
1992 World Cup - "You have got to be f***ing joking!" completes the collection, a splendid picture which captures the looks on the faces of the South African batsmen after the big screen flashes up that the revised target they were chasing for victory vs England in the 1992 World Cup Semi Final was 22 runs off 1 ball.
This opportunity to re-live the greatest moments in South African Cricket history is very limited so hurry while stocks last.
