Jokes anyone???

[Rysa]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Johnny, do you have a story to
share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got
hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a
bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he
killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then
he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fu_k with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Rysa]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly......he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Boonie]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Johnny, do you have a story to
share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got
hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a
bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he
killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then
he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fu_k with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

On fire Rysa

[r.magnay]

Two shrinks standing in the pub, one says to his mate," I think dealing with all these loopy clients is tipping me over the edge, I reckon I am loosing the plot, any chance you could do a quick assesment?" "No worries." was the reply, "You know the drill I ask the questions and you say the first thing that comes into your head.............
So,...what does a man do standing, a woman do sittng and a dog do on three legs?"

"Err....Shake hands?"
"Right"

"What is it your dog does in your backyard and when you step in it you want to kill him?"

"Umm....Dig holes?"
"Right"

"We'll get away from dogs now,.........so, were do women have the curliest hair?

"Umm,..........Fiji?
"Right,....... there's not too much wrong with you, you should hear some of the answers I get to those questions!"

[Rysa]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying......."All of you bastards who
want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of
you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are
going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice Language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers
who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen.

[heathen]

this joke won my fair maidens heart, but she is from tumut, so apologies in advance,
me and my brother were in the local having a few swills, playing a bit of pool and generally relaxing when this older gent, mid sixties, comes over to us and says" hey boys!, i f---ed your mum!"
me and my brother looked at each other, shook our heads and got back to the drinking. about 15 minutes later the same old bugger comes up to us again and says" hey boys!, your mum sucked me off!"
i start to stand, ready for , well, whatever, but my brother grabs me back down saying" don't worry about it, lets just drink, and buys another round.
20 minutes later the same old fart comes back and says" hey boys!, i f---ed your mum in the arse and made her scream with pleasure!"
well, with that i slammed my beer down on the bar stood up and said" will you f--- off home dad, you're drunk!" regards, heathen

[Rysa]

this joke won my fair maidens heart, but she is from tumut, so apologies in advance,
me and my brother were in the local having a few swills, playing a bit of pool and generally relaxing when this older gent, mid sixties, comes over to us and says" hey boys!, i f---ed your mum!"
me and my brother looked at each other, shook our heads and got back to the drinking. about 15 minutes later the same old bugger comes up to us again and says" hey boys!, your mum sucked me off!"
i start to stand, ready for , well, whatever, but my brother grabs me back down saying" don't worry about it, lets just drink, and buys another round.
20 minutes later the same old fart comes back and says" hey boys!, i f---ed your mum in the arse and made her scream with pleasure!"
well, with that i slammed my beer down on the bar stood up and said" will you f--- off home dad, you're drunk!" regards, heathen

LMFAO.

[mobydick]

Q. How do New Zealanders spell SHEEP?

A. They put 'em in the top paddock and stop molesting them for a while.

[Boonie]

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against

the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.


If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time

[Boonie]

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first
guess."

[Boonie]

Subject: Fishing Trip

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 4:30 am . When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[Boonie]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Boonie]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Rysa]

On fire Boonie, ROFL.

[lethaldog]

A woman goes to the doctor and says:
" i have a big problem, every time i open my legs i hear the collingwood theme song"

Doc says " thats a common problem, Lots of c@#ts sing that song"

[r.magnay]

Sheila goes to the quack, "I think I have a problem with my averies," she says, "I think you mean your overies," he says, "I am sure there is something wrong with my averies." she insists. "OK" says the quack, hop up on the table and I will have a look for you." As he starts his examination he exclaims, "By God your right..........there has been a cock or two in here!

[mobydick]

Q. What does a Frankston girl use for protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

[geoffclifton]

Just remembered I use my real name in here

[lethaldog]

[Noodles]

This isn't a joke but I thought it belonged in the joke section because I laughed my arse off.

Last night I was out at our local Mexican restaurant with a few work mates. I was knocking back a few Coopers Pale Ales and this bloke who I sort of know came up to me and asked "How can you drink that shit?"

I enquired as to whether he'd ever tried it, which he hadn't, in fact his reply was: "I was at a wedding in Portarlington on the weekend and Coopers Pale Ale was the free beer on tap, so I had to BUY VB stubbies all night."

It was at this point I was literally ROTFLMFAO. I still can't believe that someone would rather pay $5 a stubbie for VB than drink free Coopers Pale Ale. Anyway, he didn't take too kindly to me laughing at him, he called me a couple of names and went back to his table. I know I shouldn't laugh at people, expecially in a restaurant, but geez...this bloke deserved to be laughed at.